Unsure if this human approaching me is a man dressed as a woman, a manly looking woman, or a womanly looking man...either way, I'm terrified.
...Makeup on point though. Good job hon.
You know all those stories people tell you about ping pong shows? The ones where the Thai 'women' shoot darts and pull baby animals out of their you-know-whats?
Well I tell ya what. It's all true.
I have absolutely no idea how it is biologically possible to fit all that business up in their hoohaas. Perhaps they had a few organs removed idk. Doesn't sit well with how my anatomy works that's for damn sure.
Annyywhhoo, let me wind the clock back a couply years ago to when my boyfriend and I jetted off to Thailand. I'll get back to those ladyboy, vag dart shooting specimens shortly.
Finished uni for the year, check. Needed a holiday, check. Fiji? Hmm, not adventurous enough. Righto, let's go to Thailand.
I'd heard great things from friends and family who had been before - so this destination had always sparked an interest in me.
Thailand is not for the nervous passenger. It only took about 45 minutes post landing in Phuket that I questioned whether or not I was going to make it home in one piece. Thai drivers are like NZ boy racers on crack. No one wears seat belts, no one indicates, and no one follows the speed limit. Mentally prepared the logistics for my Thai funeral in my head.
I'm no overly health conscious, infectious diseases worry-wart, but others basically had attempted to ingrain it in me that I was going to get sick from the water or food. Hmm, NOT TODAY. I was determined to beat the odds. I drank and brushed my teeth with only bottled water, tried to avoid any lettuce (which would have been washed in water), and kept my mouth closed in the shower (surprisingly quite tough, really took that action for granted).
Luckily for me my persistence paid off, and my tum was a happy camper the entire time. Soz to those who weren't quite as fortunate, unluggy uce.
What I found over there was that there is a huge variant in cuisine types. Of course Thai is the main staple, but I was pleasantly surprised with the range of options. I legit had a spag bowl on the second night - to which the bf never let me forget.
"We're in Thailand, not Italy!!" Yeah yeah, pass the garlic bread plz.
Despite there being food options coming out of our ears, we found we didn't need to eat that frequently. Most of the hotels offer a full buffet breakfast, so every morning we basically went to town on that. Omlettes, pastries, Pad Thai, you name it. We'd eat till the point of no return, blob out by the pool/nearly drown of fullness, and be satisfied till dinner time.
Thailand is the BEST for cheap knock offs that no one will even notice is a knock off. Need some Nikes? go to Thailand. Gucci handbag? Thailand. Happy ending? Thailand.
Some of the goods there are actually made in the same country or even factory as the real version. Chances are there is no difference between some of the real and fakes. Maybs just avoid the tinny sounding Beats by Dre. Your ears deserve better.
The weather in Thailand is hot as hell, but rather unpredictable. Whether there's a storm, or the sun's out, it's humid. What's the solution (hair wise) to this I hear you ask? BRAIDS.
YASS. My dream come true. Boyfriend hated it. I thought I looked like Alicia Keys. This girl is on fire...
Just realised this hairstyle actually made me look like I have a five-head. But I was ecstatic at the time.
Thailand is great for cheap pampering in general. We basically had a massage every day. They were phenom, but not like your regular run of the mill massages. Fairly convinced they read the Kamasutra before every customer. They may have even written it...
"Happy ending Miss?" Ummm, no I'm okay...thanks.
Places we stayed:
- Phuket, Patong Merlin Hotel. Patong Beach is a very popular touristy spot. Not great for general relaxation as the beaches and streets are pretty crowded. Great shopping and restaurants though! (Italian included). Hotel was amaze!
- Koh Samui, Centara Grand Beach Resort - Koh Samui is gawj - it's a bit more low key and chilled. Our Hotel was SO NICE and was right on the beach which made it feel like we had our own private access. Koh Samui also has great restaurants and nightlife. Would recommend checking out somewhere like The Ark Bar Beach Resort - It has an awesome beachfront bar/night club which anyone can go to even if you aren't staying there. We met a few people there who mentioned how reasonable priced the accom was for how nice it was. 10/10 would stay there if we went back.
- Travel insurance - a must. Especially if you're doing activities where you are using equipment that can be damaged (or you for that matter) e.g. Mopeds and water equipment (jet-skis, Kayaks).
- Agree on the tuk tuk (taxi) price before getting in. Those cheeky monkeys will take you for all they can get.
- Hold on to your bags at all times. Especially walking down somewhere crowded like Phuket's Banglar Road. In fact, get a fanny pack. Cute.
- If you go to a ping pong show, don't look like you're too enthusiastic. The 'women' come looking for candidates in the crowd...
- Be blunt and direct, but don't be mean. The people who are trying to sell you stuff are pushy, yes. But be polite. They rely on the tourists to make their income. So buy the cooked banana, or kindly say no. If they keep coming back, put your headphones in and pretend to be asleep. Or just buy the bloody banana.
- Never go somewhere by yourself. Especially at night. Thailand is a popular holiday destination, yes. But there are some dangerous people around. Stick together.
- Try the spag bowl, it's legit.